~gIrLy StUfF~ with Mollie

So I got my nails did today.

I've been a nail biter my whole life, so I've always had shrimpy baby hands. See photo (the only photo on my photobooth that shows my "before" nails):

AND NOW I AM A SUPERMODEL, OF HANDS:

Sometimes I look down and I'm like wow I am a pretti barbie princess and sometimes I'm like WHOSE GODDAMN WHORE HANDS ARE THOSE

So far I kinda miss my real nails, hidden under all that plastic and laquer. Cause these aren't my real nails, anything they do isn't really what I'm doing, you know? There is a disconnect. You know when you're using someone else's computer and you don't have all your bookmarks and the keys feel funny? It's like that.

Things that are hard so far:
1. Typing. So many typos, but I think I'm already getting better.
2. Writing. And for work I have to write ALL GODDAMN DAY TOMORROW. I had trouble signing the credit card receipt at the nail salon. Unfair.
3. Nose-picking. Where is my finger? Where is my nail? AH GET THESE BOOGERS OUT OF HERE
4. Pooping. I haven't done it yet but I'm not looking forward to it!!

Things that are easier:
1. Being girly. Girls have pretty nails. Mine are pink you guys. I'm a pretty girl with pretty nails. Now all the boys will like me and all the girls will want to be me.
2. Scratching myself. SoooOOOooo much easier!!
3. Not biting my nails. THEY ARE ENCASED IN SUPER BONDED PLASTIC

I WILL REPORT BACK ON MY NAIL STATUS
PLEASE REFRESH CONSTANTLY FOR UPDATES

looking for treasure

I found out on Monday that Paul Rudd's kid was coming into the office today, so I've been awaiting the little man's arrival all week. But when son and mom showed up today, the kid started FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT and crying and screaming NOOOOOOOOO I DONT LIKE DOCTOR I DONT LIKE DOCTOR NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO about 2 seconds into the waiting room. I mean he's 4, but I haven't seen many kids react like that before. It took a lot of coaxing for him to get into the exam room. Mom was totally normal, and surprisingly un-babealicious. And he was wearing a SUIT with sneakers!! Celebrity babies!!!

But the best part of my day was after the celebs left for their premiere parties and free facials and gold carriages or whatever. My job today was "back-up scribe", meaning that the newest girl was "scribe" and if the doctor was running late or needed extra help during the day, I was there to back-up. A scribe basically takes notes for the doctor during the exam, gets whatever the doctor needs during the exam (e.g. medicine samples, instruments), writes down all the procedure and diagnosis codes for billing, and then in the end takes the kid out and watches them while the doctor talks to the parents. So the new girl was busy helping some mom, so I got called into the visit of a three year old named Molly. She had bright red hair, put up in pigtails, thick wireframe glasses, and a way too big daffy duck t-shirt on. The doctor, to Molly, was all like GUESS WHAT HER NAME IS and it ends up my name is Mollie too, so we were instant bff. The doctor sent Molly out with me while the parents got the surgery talk. Molly has Duane's syndrome, so she needs eye muscle surgery to prevent her eyes from crossing. It's pretty common, and she'll be just fine, don't you worry.

ANYWAY, we picked out a duckie from the prize drawer, and headed out to the waiting room. Instantly she was like "LETS LOOK FOR TREASURE," and she grabbed a Highlights magazine from the table saying "GOTTA HAVE A MAP!!" She turned the little foam play area into the "boat," saying "I'll sit here and you sit right here with duckie" and with a few "vroom vroom"s and an a few turns of an imaginary steering wheel, Molly, the captain of our fair ship, drove us to the treasure indicated on the map. She said "WE'RE HERE!" and then she'd walk around the room again until she instructed that we needed to get back on the ship for more treasure huntin'. All directed by her, we found some new treasure, and then we went to her home by turning the "boat" into a "car" to visit her sister Ally. She'd call "COME ON MOLLIE!" whenever she decided to go somewhere new in the room. She asked me how old I was but I think 21 is a pretty silly number for a three year old. Some other kids boarded the ship and she tried to explain to them it was a treasure boat but they didn't really follow. She called one of them, Matthew, maybe an old two year old, "a baby." I called her Captain, and she started calling herself Captain. Then, about 15 minutes in, as Molly told me it was my turn to drive the car, and I was turning the fake steering wheel and vroom vrooming, her parents came out. They thanked me, told me they were surprised because "she doesn't do this with anyone," and left.

My biological alarm is going off. Pressing snooze is getting harder and harder.

aLL 4 NiTh

GOOD DAY LOYAL READERS

What is going on in my crazy world, you ask?

My Life as a Real Person is kinda hard. I wake up at 7:30 or 8 every day, work for 9 long hours, and then go to sleep before 12. I'm officially lame, y'all. My job is actually really great, though. I get to help the doctors in a pretty serious way, and it's really helping me realize how badly I want to be a doctor. The kids are usually fucking adorable, and for now it's kind of curbing my baby-craziness. I get a nice little shot of baby every day, even if it's in the form of me holding their heads down while the doctor is prying their eyes open. Although the number one thing holding me back from poking holes in condoms and lying about taking birth control is that kids cost a fucking shitton of money. Money I won't have for a very long time.

But the number one thing pushing me to poke holes in condoms and lie about taking birth control is that you can dress little girls in the fucking cutest little frilly outfits and put 5 bows in their hair and make them the best dolls you ever did have. I will not stop producing children until I have a girl.

Look at this shit unnnhhhh:




In addition to them being the perfect dress up toys, they are cute and warm and cuddly and you make them in your own tummies. But again, costly. And if I'm going to deck my kids out in the cutest duds available, I'll need to make some bank.

Aside from work, life is good. Moving into a new place soon. It's kind of a crazy hipster-y area. And I'm not going to be one of those hipsters who claims they aren't a hipster, but I'm more of a low-key-yeah-I'll-shop-at-gap-skinny-jeans-are-as-far-as-I'll-go hipster, and they're more like lol-look-at-my-fanny-pack-and-90s-neon-pink-jeans-and-asymmetrical-haircut-and-vegan-cupcake-and-ironic-80s-glasses-and-mustache-lol hipsters. At least they won't rape me.

CHEZZO PLUG:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=379311866
I can't help but listen to "Garden" on repeat when I'm feeling sad n lonely. Listen to it!!

you know you luv me
xoxo

You guys, ICE RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I only belive in one kind of magic, and that is SNOW.

Titanic

Ivy and I had a competition to see who could make the best movie with these requirements:
1. Based on 1997's "Titanic"
2. Only cast by ourselves.

Hers isn't up yet, but this is what I did:

"Life's a Bitch"

Filmed from 2:30pm-3:30pm. Edited from 11:30pm-1:30am.

I don't know, you guys. I guess I like embarrassing myself?

LA UPDATE "in a list of ten"

So far, in LA, I've:

1. Tanned by the Santa Monica pier.
2. Gotten sand in my hair LOL.
3. Eaten Pinkberry.
4. Talked business.
5. Partied all night at Le Deux.
6. Recorded an album.
7. Given Ashton Kutcher a handjob.
8. Snorted coke off of the second L in that HOLLYWOOD sign.
9. Pooped on Jon Voight's lawn.
10. Murdered and consumed Chesley and her family.

More updates soon!